"In those silent, happy seconds that surround the sound of this event..."

I miss breastfeeding. There. I said it.

I have blogged before about all of the emotions I felt when PJ weaned himself at just over 19 months. Those emotions came as a surprise to me- I figured that as much as loved nursing, I would be excited and happy for the freedom that not nursing would bring.

That idea turned out to be only partly true. As PJ grows, I am so excited for each new development even though I may miss the one that is ending. From smooshy newborn lump stage to alert smiling waving stage; from rolling to crawling to walking to running, each day brought something new and special and amazing from my baby boy, and I have loved every. single. second of it!

As each stage ended, I would find myself fleetingly giving it a backwards glance, happy that changes were developing but mourning a bit for the time past. Our babies are only babies for such a short time, how can I not be sad to see the moments fly by! Moving from nursing to not nursing, however, was a different emotional process. It was time with PJ that I cherished, seeing him grow from the nourishment my body provided, having quiet cuddle time for just the two of us. I was proud of my nursling and proud that I nursed him. Six months, a year, a year and a half- the time went on and I never got tired of nursing. I decided at about a year that I would not set a date as to when I would stop and instead, would let PJ self wean.

At 19 months I could see PJ was losing interest in breastfeeding and two weeks later, we stopped for good. His last nursing session was early one summer morning and through my sleepiness, I felt a little ache. The next morning, he bounced right up and heading into the kitchen for breakfast. He wanted a banana and a scrambled egg, but he didn't want to nurse.

PJ will be 23 months next week and so much has changed since that last summer nursing session. I joined the La Leche League, hoping that my positive breastfeeding experience could encourage other mothers. Pete has been at his RN job for a year now, our struggle from his job search almost a thing of the past. We got the news that PJ could be autistic. We are planning PJ's SECOND BIRTHDAY PARTY! Things have turned out differently then I thought they would during that last breastfeeding session.

They are different, but it's all good.


(this post is part of the Breastfeeding Blog Hop started by my friend Jen over at Life With Levi! Want to participate? then get to tapping on that keyboard and link up, mama! this weeks topics? checking in! where are you in your breastfeeding journey?)


Anonymous said...

Well done for going so long and self-weaning.

My son has Asperger's syndrome and I have a post on Autism on my blog with useful links (mainly UK ones but there are others).

Naya said...

Wow, 19 months is fantastic! My son and I are at 10 months of nursing. While I don't know when our end will be, I'd like it to be similar to yours - a decision that he made, not one that was forced on to him.